Edward Penishands!

So here’s what I’ve learned about porn lately, narratively it is just, lacking. I mean sure you’re going to come on her face, but why? What is your motivation here? Sure you’re going to pound him good but shouldn’t there be more to it than that? For instance, is the pounding a twist? Is it happening because you have to avenge your father’s death? Or as a statement on postmodern existentialism? All I want is some depth to my porn, is that really so much to ask? Anyway that’s why I’ve come up with some ideas, so take note, porn making people because if you don’t make these movies . . . well then they probably just won't get made.

 Pride and Prejudicks
This one’s a period piece, a witty Edwardian drama following the lives of the five Bennet sisters as they seek eligible bachelors and attend the elegant and sophisticated orgies thrown at the neighboring Netherfield hall. When the headstrong and intelligent Elizabeth Bennet meets the arrogant and disagreeable Mr. Darcy well lets just say that hilarity and romance ensue (by which I mean that she ties him up and sits on his face).

American Booty
American Beauty focused on the hauntingly beautiful image of a plastic bag dancing on a gust of wind. American booty would open on that same image, a plastic bag floats ghostlike through a suburban street and comes to rest forlornly on a patch of lawn, where a lovely young woman spots it. She strides over to the bag, squats down and takes a shit, then she smears it all over Kevin Spacey’s chest and places a single rose petal over each of his nipples. The movie continues from there in a thoughtful treatise on the lonely imprisonment of modern American life and the true meaning of poop fetish porn.

Apocadicks Now
A dark and terrifying journey through the horrors of war, Apocadicks Now would be a damming condemnation of US Interventionism seen through the lens of anal sex. As Philip Marblow travels further and further into the Southeast Asian Countryside he finds not only the increasing darkness of the human spirit, but also progressively larger objects which he can fit inside his anus.

To Kill A Cockingbird
Atticus Finch was the model of American Fatherhood, devoted to integrity and the pursuit of justice. He lays it all on the line to defend the unfairly accused Tom Robinson against racism and the powers that be. Attikiss Fucks on the other hand is a model of perfect pectorals and devoted to the pursuit of washboard abs, and he fights racism in the American south with his penis.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Dick In Your Face
Remember the painstaking world building and attention to detail of the original novel which was so thoughtfully rendered onto film by Peter Jackson and his exceptionally talented crew? Well this film asks, why can't the same meticulous detail and observational skills be applied to Hobbit genitalia and dwarf rectums? I think, that it can.

Edward Penishands
A film, which empathizes in a literal sense with the pain and loneliness of being an outsider. A young man finds himself stranded in a homogenized suburban town where he is cast as both an object of fascination and a pariah. It is in this context where he explores what it means to be a part of our own compliancy. Essentially exactly like Edward Scissorhands but instead of scissors his hands are made of penises- oh wait this one’s a real movie.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qi9Oi9XjyUQ