Taylor Swift videos can be a little like road kill, every so often they just turn up on the freeway looking tragic and you know that you shouldn't touch it, but something in you just needs to stand there and poke it with a stick. It has to be done. Don’t get me wrong, there is no shame in a little Taylor Swift and I will gladly admit that my record for most number of times listening to Our Song in a row is twenty, but nonetheless when I see another of those squishy rotting bunny corpses, well somebody has to touch it.
Tay’s most recent video is called Everything Has Changed and gosh dang if I don’t just want to take it home, taxidermy it and hang it on my mantle. In case you haven’t seen it here it is, and it. Is. Glorious . . . ly dumb, gloriously dumb.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1oM3kQpXRo
1) To start with why is that nine year old drinking coffee? What parent is giving their young child a thermos full of coffee to bring to school ? Unless, oh no, is this a surprisingly well dressed child laborer from the early nineteen hundreds? Is that bus on its way to the triangle shirtwaiste factory and the coffee is to keep him awake during the grueling sixteen hour work day he’s about to endure? WOW Taylor bravo, way, to make a statement.
2) Okay so apparently they were not on their way to a sweatshop, it was a school, which brings us to question two. What kind of school is this? Because our very first glimpse of the school itself is one where all of the children are given sugar cookies, frosting and sprinkles except for tiny Taylor who for some reason is given, macaroons, raspberries and a custard of some kind, which I can only assume is either,
A) an insightful metaphor for American inequality
B) A sign that this school is actually Hogwarts and Taylor is the only one who has already mastered transfiguration in which case well done tiny Hermione,
3) During what time period does this music video take place? Now almost everything in the video so far indicates that this will be a modern retelling of Lolita, except for the fact that the VCR was invented in 1956 and was widely in use by 1976. So for what possible reason is this school (which is apparently well funded enough to provide its children with current pastry fads and fresh produce) using an old timey projector to show videos seemingly composed entirely of stills from your cousins tumblr? Yet further support for my theory that this is actually a story about turn of the century child labor.
4) What is wrong with these kids? Has their emotional growth been stunted by all that coffee, or is it some kind of trauma they experienced together which is causing them to shun contact with normal children and stare blandly into each others eyes? Either way this is something the teacher (who is clearly oblivious to the troublingly antisocial behavior which these two are exhibiting) should be concerned about. Worrying.
5) I’m sorry, they’re doing yoga together? Are they in like a special yuppie training program? Is that why she gets the macaroons? How was she selected for this program? Is it some kind of charter thing, but only for Taylor Swift? and because of their shared emotional trauma mini Ed Sheeran gets to like glom on?
6) Where are the teachers at this school? And why are they letting mini Taylor use a needle unsupervised? She could seriously hurt herself! Further evidence for my child sweatshop theory. Or, oh wait a minute, is this a Waldorf school?
7) Why are there blankets in this school with which to build a blanket fort? Does somebody live there? This video is just getting progressively more worrying.
8) What nine year old boy has EVER in the history of EVER read The Notebook?
9) Wait a minute THE MOM? Taylor Swift is THE MOM here? Okay let me do the math on this one, as we can deduce from the last Taylor Swift video, Ms. Swift is somewhere around 22 and if the youngest the girl could possibly be is about seven that would mean best case scenario Taylor got pregnant at the age of fifteen. So I can only assume that after this scene Taylor and the kid will be headed back to the motel room they share with another family, from which big Taylor will depart for her low paying minimum wage job because she was never able to finish high school due to being pregnant though most of it and now she works four jobs just to keep little Tay in that fancy charter school. Wow Taylor that's real, real dark. Not to mention the like three other kids she already has from the Mine video.
10) Am I the only one who finds this video creepier than salad fingers in a Michael Jackson suit at a Furby factory?
Tay’s most recent video is called Everything Has Changed and gosh dang if I don’t just want to take it home, taxidermy it and hang it on my mantle. In case you haven’t seen it here it is, and it. Is. Glorious . . . ly dumb, gloriously dumb.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1oM3kQpXRo
1) To start with why is that nine year old drinking coffee? What parent is giving their young child a thermos full of coffee to bring to school ? Unless, oh no, is this a surprisingly well dressed child laborer from the early nineteen hundreds? Is that bus on its way to the triangle shirtwaiste factory and the coffee is to keep him awake during the grueling sixteen hour work day he’s about to endure? WOW Taylor bravo, way, to make a statement.
2) Okay so apparently they were not on their way to a sweatshop, it was a school, which brings us to question two. What kind of school is this? Because our very first glimpse of the school itself is one where all of the children are given sugar cookies, frosting and sprinkles except for tiny Taylor who for some reason is given, macaroons, raspberries and a custard of some kind, which I can only assume is either,
A) an insightful metaphor for American inequality
B) A sign that this school is actually Hogwarts and Taylor is the only one who has already mastered transfiguration in which case well done tiny Hermione,
3) During what time period does this music video take place? Now almost everything in the video so far indicates that this will be a modern retelling of Lolita, except for the fact that the VCR was invented in 1956 and was widely in use by 1976. So for what possible reason is this school (which is apparently well funded enough to provide its children with current pastry fads and fresh produce) using an old timey projector to show videos seemingly composed entirely of stills from your cousins tumblr? Yet further support for my theory that this is actually a story about turn of the century child labor.
4) What is wrong with these kids? Has their emotional growth been stunted by all that coffee, or is it some kind of trauma they experienced together which is causing them to shun contact with normal children and stare blandly into each others eyes? Either way this is something the teacher (who is clearly oblivious to the troublingly antisocial behavior which these two are exhibiting) should be concerned about. Worrying.
5) I’m sorry, they’re doing yoga together? Are they in like a special yuppie training program? Is that why she gets the macaroons? How was she selected for this program? Is it some kind of charter thing, but only for Taylor Swift? and because of their shared emotional trauma mini Ed Sheeran gets to like glom on?
6) Where are the teachers at this school? And why are they letting mini Taylor use a needle unsupervised? She could seriously hurt herself! Further evidence for my child sweatshop theory. Or, oh wait a minute, is this a Waldorf school?
7) Why are there blankets in this school with which to build a blanket fort? Does somebody live there? This video is just getting progressively more worrying.
8) What nine year old boy has EVER in the history of EVER read The Notebook?
9) Wait a minute THE MOM? Taylor Swift is THE MOM here? Okay let me do the math on this one, as we can deduce from the last Taylor Swift video, Ms. Swift is somewhere around 22 and if the youngest the girl could possibly be is about seven that would mean best case scenario Taylor got pregnant at the age of fifteen. So I can only assume that after this scene Taylor and the kid will be headed back to the motel room they share with another family, from which big Taylor will depart for her low paying minimum wage job because she was never able to finish high school due to being pregnant though most of it and now she works four jobs just to keep little Tay in that fancy charter school. Wow Taylor that's real, real dark. Not to mention the like three other kids she already has from the Mine video.
10) Am I the only one who finds this video creepier than salad fingers in a Michael Jackson suit at a Furby factory?
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