Edward Penishands!

So here’s what I’ve learned about porn lately, narratively it is just, lacking. I mean sure you’re going to come on her face, but why? What is your motivation here? Sure you’re going to pound him good but shouldn’t there be more to it than that? For instance, is the pounding a twist? Is it happening because you have to avenge your father’s death? Or as a statement on postmodern existentialism? All I want is some depth to my porn, is that really so much to ask? Anyway that’s why I’ve come up with some ideas, so take note, porn making people because if you don’t make these movies . . . well then they probably just won't get made.

 Pride and Prejudicks
This one’s a period piece, a witty Edwardian drama following the lives of the five Bennet sisters as they seek eligible bachelors and attend the elegant and sophisticated orgies thrown at the neighboring Netherfield hall. When the headstrong and intelligent Elizabeth Bennet meets the arrogant and disagreeable Mr. Darcy well lets just say that hilarity and romance ensue (by which I mean that she ties him up and sits on his face).

American Booty
American Beauty focused on the hauntingly beautiful image of a plastic bag dancing on a gust of wind. American booty would open on that same image, a plastic bag floats ghostlike through a suburban street and comes to rest forlornly on a patch of lawn, where a lovely young woman spots it. She strides over to the bag, squats down and takes a shit, then she smears it all over Kevin Spacey’s chest and places a single rose petal over each of his nipples. The movie continues from there in a thoughtful treatise on the lonely imprisonment of modern American life and the true meaning of poop fetish porn.

Apocadicks Now
A dark and terrifying journey through the horrors of war, Apocadicks Now would be a damming condemnation of US Interventionism seen through the lens of anal sex. As Philip Marblow travels further and further into the Southeast Asian Countryside he finds not only the increasing darkness of the human spirit, but also progressively larger objects which he can fit inside his anus.

To Kill A Cockingbird
Atticus Finch was the model of American Fatherhood, devoted to integrity and the pursuit of justice. He lays it all on the line to defend the unfairly accused Tom Robinson against racism and the powers that be. Attikiss Fucks on the other hand is a model of perfect pectorals and devoted to the pursuit of washboard abs, and he fights racism in the American south with his penis.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Dick In Your Face
Remember the painstaking world building and attention to detail of the original novel which was so thoughtfully rendered onto film by Peter Jackson and his exceptionally talented crew? Well this film asks, why can't the same meticulous detail and observational skills be applied to Hobbit genitalia and dwarf rectums? I think, that it can.

Edward Penishands
A film, which empathizes in a literal sense with the pain and loneliness of being an outsider. A young man finds himself stranded in a homogenized suburban town where he is cast as both an object of fascination and a pariah. It is in this context where he explores what it means to be a part of our own compliancy. Essentially exactly like Edward Scissorhands but instead of scissors his hands are made of penises- oh wait this one’s a real movie.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qi9Oi9XjyUQ

Ten Questions for Taylor Swift’s Latest Music Video

       Taylor Swift videos can be a little like road kill, every so often they just turn up on the freeway looking tragic and you know that you shouldn't touch it, but something in you just needs to stand there and poke it with a stick. It has to be done. Don’t get me wrong, there is no shame in a little Taylor Swift and I will gladly admit that my record for most number of times listening to Our Song in a row is twenty, but nonetheless when I see another of those squishy rotting bunny corpses, well somebody has to touch it.
       Tay’s most recent video is called Everything Has Changed and gosh dang if I don’t just want to take it home, taxidermy it and hang it on my mantle. In case you haven’t seen it here it is, and it. Is. Glorious . . . ly dumb, gloriously dumb.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1oM3kQpXRo

1) To start with why is that nine year old drinking coffee? What parent is giving their young child a thermos full of coffee to bring to school ? Unless, oh no, is this a surprisingly well dressed child laborer from the early nineteen hundreds? Is that bus on its way to the triangle shirtwaiste factory and the coffee is to keep him awake during the grueling sixteen hour work day he’s about to endure? WOW Taylor bravo, way, to make a statement.

2) Okay so apparently they were not on their way to a sweatshop, it was a school, which brings us to question two. What kind of school is this? Because our very first glimpse of the school itself is one where all of the children are given sugar cookies, frosting and sprinkles except for tiny Taylor who for some reason is given, macaroons, raspberries and a custard of some kind, which I can only assume is either,
A) an insightful metaphor for American inequality
B) A sign that this school is actually Hogwarts and Taylor is the only one who has already mastered transfiguration in which case well done tiny Hermione,

3) During what time period does this music video take place? Now almost everything in the video so far indicates that this will be a modern retelling of Lolita, except for the fact that the VCR was invented in 1956 and was widely in use by 1976. So for what possible reason is this school (which is apparently well funded enough to provide its children with current pastry fads and fresh produce) using an old timey projector to show videos seemingly composed entirely of stills from your cousins tumblr? Yet further support for my theory that this is actually a story about turn of the century child labor.

4) What is wrong with these kids? Has their emotional growth been stunted by all that coffee, or is it some kind of trauma they experienced together which is causing them to shun contact with normal children and stare blandly into each others eyes? Either way this is something the teacher (who is clearly oblivious to the troublingly antisocial behavior which these two are exhibiting) should be concerned about. Worrying.

5) I’m sorry, they’re doing yoga together? Are they in like a special yuppie training program? Is that why she gets the macaroons? How was she selected for this program? Is it some kind of charter thing, but only for Taylor Swift? and because of their shared emotional trauma mini Ed Sheeran gets to like glom on?

6) Where are the teachers at this school? And why are they letting mini Taylor use a needle unsupervised? She could seriously hurt herself! Further evidence for my child sweatshop theory. Or, oh wait a minute, is this a Waldorf school?

7) Why are there blankets in this school with which to build a blanket fort? Does somebody live there? This video is just getting progressively more worrying.

8) What nine year old boy has EVER in the history of EVER read The Notebook?

9) Wait a minute THE MOM? Taylor Swift is THE MOM here? Okay let me do the math on this one, as we can deduce from the last Taylor Swift video, Ms. Swift is somewhere around 22 and if the youngest the girl could possibly be is about seven that would mean best case scenario Taylor got pregnant at the age of fifteen. So I can only assume that after this scene Taylor and the kid will be headed back to the motel room they share with another family, from which big Taylor will depart for her low paying minimum wage job because she was never able to finish high school  due to being pregnant though most of it and now she works four jobs just to keep little Tay in that fancy charter school. Wow Taylor that's real, real dark. Not to mention the like three other kids she already has from the Mine video.

10) Am I the only one who finds this video creepier than salad fingers in a Michael Jackson suit at a Furby factory?

First Posts

I was going to just dive right into blogging by writing up a list of my favorite punny titles for Pornos, but then I thought to myself, "Hey! wait a minute you're a classy lady, would a classy lady really let the first post on her blog be about porn? No, no she would not! So instead she will have her first blog post be something great and amazing like .... a filler post about why I don't want my first post to be about porn. That being said I feel like the point of the first post is to explicate why the blogger has started blogging, well let me tell you a little story. Last semester I hooked up with this guy, lets call him Zack (because that was his name). We had been flirting all semester and we would walk back to his apartment together every day after class. Finally at the end of the semester he invited me to a party he was having. We made out and I ended up leaving my bra at his house. I drunkenly stumbled back home at around two, satisfied and thoroughly convinced that we could meet up later to ya know, get married and have babies. I texted him the next week and got a noncommittal reply, I tried again and again, he showed zero interest, so finally angry, dispirited and disappointed I just sent him a message to ask for my bra back. His response? None. This semester I saw him again and despite looking directly at me he walked right by without even smiling enough to acknowledge my existence. So that brings us to today, I was standing at a crosswalk when there he was, directly across the street waiting for the light, looking like a dick. All of a sudden I had this urge. I wanted to unzip my coat and pull off my boots. Then I would strip my socks off and pull my shirt over my head. Then I would take off my pants underwear and bra and stand there in February  completely naked waiting for him to cross the street. He would have no choice but to wait for the crosswalk and then walk directly over to me at which point I would motion to my super hot naked self, look him in the eye and say, "You're A MORON" and then he could watch me walk away. In my imagination this was exactly what I did. In reality, I put my head down and walked for two blocks in the opposite direction to get away from him, and that in summation is why I decided to start a blog. I needed a place outside of my own head, for my much more badass but ultimately imaginary self.